There is that “thing” there, the gradual semi-steep, almost 14 miles of slow leg spinning for 5 hours. Lots of bodies do it, but I wondered if my body was one of those or not. It had been so long since I had ask it to put out at altitude and near cardiac maximum output. I needed my head to do this, but mainly I need to breath in and out-letting anxiousness go.
My Alaskan and Serbian camp mates had encouraged me to look at this pass, the highest we would encounter on the Southern Tier, with curiosity. Can I do it? If so then do it, and come down the other side. If I couldn’t do it then turn and come down–find another route out of there. I was no longer boxed into a do or die situation, I had options. This was a valuable lesson of relaxing into the worst of my fears of this section-failure. Like Dan said for someone use to competing or having things turn out a certain way, it’s hard to “let it go” -relaxing into options, bail points, fail safes, just other ways of envisioning process.
What came after the pass was much worse physically than the pass. I spent nearly 12 hours on the bike that day-a long day. My counter parts, Alaskans and Serb cyclists,had been in camp a while when I got there. The Serbian paid me the biggest complement I could receive. He said, “to come in late and last is a sign of persistence and doggedness”. Dan would even say, “a tough ass bastard”( something to that effect in a good natured way). To me this was a healing time, time to encounter a pass and use something besides “detachment from the pain” and instead breath into it and look at every stroke-one slow stroke after another, like a worm gear going up the side of the mountain.
I’m still here in Silver City, New Mexico, visiting and gearing up for another segment of the ride west, but I’m not the same as before the pass. I’ve tried my repaired knee, my replaces toes, and my old lung capacity-they all said, “o.k., lets try this thing”.
Spiritual Formation 